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Bad Jokes! Talkin 'bout bad jokes!!

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By crispian, Section News
Posted on Sat Aug 7th, 2004 at 02:56:52 PM CST

In the club last night, after Ben had gotten through his 'must pull at all costs' phase, and was just over his 'speaker lurve' phase, he appeared to morph into the very terrifying 'bad jokes' phase. If you're out clubbing and you find yourself in this very awkward situation, you can use the jokes below to counter even the worst of the worst! Post the worst joke you can think of!





Here was the one that started it from Ben:

What can you sit on, sleep on and brush your teeth with?

A chair, a bed and a toothbrush.

BAD JOKES!!

< Mobin Master: Moskva Fri 6 Aug 2004 (3 comments) | SoulGood Sat Nite Edition 7 Aug 2004 (0 comments) >
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Bad Jokes! Talkin 'bout bad jokes!! | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 editorial, 0 hidden)
bad jokes (none / 0) (#1)
by crispian on Sat Aug 7th, 2004 at 02:58:09 PM CST
(User Info)

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!!





It's all true. (none / 0) (#2)
by Ben James on Mon Aug 9th, 2004 at 11:11:56 PM CST
(User Info)

Crikey. I didn't start with the jokes did I? Wicked night all the same...I think I enjoyed it. Good to see you all again. I'd love to comment more on Friday night, but my memories have been eroded by two more nights of drunken partying with the drama crew.

On a lighter note... You guys would be proud of me. I just sold my punching bag and heater to Cash Convertors to tide me over till next pay day. Didn't help I blew a smooth lime on Friday night alone.

Where are my priorities? I can't even afford a copy of Saturated Soul, yet I blow two hundred on a weekend on booze.

Ben James.

P.S. Why did Fred fall off his Bike? He was a fish.

P.P.S. My car brakes work again! I can now travel less than 25 car lengths behind the car in front. Braking time needed is back under 10 seconds! Yay!

[ Parent ]



Sell out (none / 0) (#3)
by bill fragos on Tue Aug 10th, 2004 at 04:01:27 PM CST
(User Info)

What else have you got to sell? Why don't u sell some of your old choons... I sold Ain't Armand for $50.... funny considering I only paid $20. Time for you to hit the CDs my friend.... otherwise be like most other Adelaide DJs and just play old stuff...

Can u play Dark Beat?
... err No.

Can u play La La Land?
... err No.

Can u play Hear My Name?
... err No.

Can u play Rockin' Music?
... err No.

Shiny Disco Balls? At Night? Satisfaction?
... No No No.

Oh mo god do u have Schpilla?
NO!

Do you have Get Away With It?
... Never 'eard of it.

In fact, I think I may start a post whereby every weekend we put up the cheesiest track someone requested during our set. These people deserve to be outed!

The point is, unfortunately, most people won't care that u don't have Saturated Soul (as featured in the June 2004 SoulGood Chart). In fact, most DJs won't start playing it for another month or two, so don't worry my son, you have plenty of time. Or we could just give it to you for free. But we must take 2 from u.

Bad jokes? Trashed & cheesy clubbers (and DJs).... especially those one's who like to deliberately bump the decks whilst you are mixing a dub and acapella.... and who think it's funny. The next one is going to have a photo taken of them and it's going to be posted on this site in the hall of shame.

Why did the surrealist cross the road?

Fish

[ Parent ]


I might have to. (none / 0) (#4)
by Ben James on Tue Aug 10th, 2004 at 10:16:19 PM CST
(User Info)

Someone asked me once to play the Chicken Dance song. Honestly they did. Another guy asked me to give a 'happy birthday' to his girlfriend, only to be shocked that I didn't have a mic handy. I told him 'it's not a @#%$ing Karaoke Bar'.

Was that me that bumped the decks?

I might have to hit the CDs.

Q - What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?
A - Get down.

[ Parent ]



chickun run (none / 0) (#5)
by bill fragos on Wed Aug 11th, 2004 at 05:06:27 PM CST
(User Info)

You have been drinking way too much Ben.... that was a really f'n bad joke...primary school stuff

I bet YOU decided to say happy birthday to the girlfriend right... isn't that one of your pulling techniques? (as at Savvy 10 July) hmmm.... or is that a secret?

No, Ben, you didn't bump decks. You were to busy impregnating the sub-woofer.

[ Parent ]


Yes! (none / 0) (#6)
by Ben James on Wed Aug 11th, 2004 at 07:45:30 PM CST
(User Info)

I forgot about that one...the old Birthday pash.
Nah no secrets here. My life is an open book. A dirty library book requiring censorship perhaps...but an open book dammit.

Bring on the weekend! Hope to see some of you chaps in the clubs this weekend. I'm thinking about letting my hair down and having a few social drinks. Yes...quite fitting methinks.

Ben James.

[ Parent ]



A Very Bad Joke (none / 0) (#7)
by bill fragos on Fri Aug 13th, 2004 at 02:31:37 PM CST
(User Info)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He answers the door and is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign, You sign!". Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign, You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, saying: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign, You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says, (in his best South African Chinese accent).... "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[ Parent ]


Hands down. (none / 0) (#8)
by Ben James on Sat Aug 14th, 2004 at 05:54:08 PM CST
(User Info)

Without a doubt, that is the worst joke I've ever heard in my life. I'm amazed and in awe.

[ Parent ]


Perspective. And you gettin' some. (none / 0) (#10)
by michelle on Sat Feb 12th, 2005 at 11:24:38 AM CST
(User Info) http://www.streetlevelgeezer.com

Ok so this is old post news. But I just cannot let this be. And you know it. That is THE BEST JOKE EVER!!! Alexei Sayle dies and gets to the gates of Heaven and God says "So you're a comedian huh? Well tell us a joke then funny boy." And Alexei says - well obviously he tells that brilliant joke. A STICK. THAT'S ABSOLUTE GOLD. GOLD JERRY. Deal with it. Best joke ever.
May the forks be with you.
[ Parent ]


Just got reminded of this one today... (none / 0) (#9)
by crispian on Tue Aug 24th, 2004 at 05:08:08 PM CST
(User Info)

Unashamedly stolen from the web..

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara).

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"

...."ees... a....Ham bush"





Blue suit (none / 0) (#11)
by crispian on Sat Mar 19th, 2005 at 10:39:23 PM CST
(User Info)

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"So I just switched the heads."





Bad Jokes! Talkin 'bout bad jokes!! | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 editorial, 0 hidden)

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